If We Were Allowed To Give Truthful Answers In Job Interviews

 

The most awkward portion of a job interview is when the candidates is asked why he or she (or these days, they) left a previous position or wants to leave the current position.  The interviewer knows that the last job sucked, but the candidate is not permitted to say anything negative.  One has to dance around the truth saying things such as "It was time for a change", "I was looking for new challenges", "I wanted to grow my skills with a new opportunity", or some other such piffle.  There is no good answer.  Say you left for personal reasons and the interviewer will think you're an alcoholic or drug addict and you won't get the new gig.  Say you left to help a family member and the interviewer will worry the family member will get sick again and you won't get the new gig.  The interviewer is probing for any reason to ax you and make the field narrower, so the decision is easier.  The best policy seems to be to spout some plausible piffle and quickly move the conversation in another direction, preferably about how you can wonderfully do the gig you're interviewing for.  Imagine how refreshing it would be, however, if both candidate and interviewer could disregard the fiction and speak honestly:

Interviewer:  So why'd you leave the last job?  You weren't there long.  I'm worried that we'll go to this effort of hiring you and then you'll up and quit again.

Candidate:  Is your company fucked up?

Interviewer:  Not too bad.

Candidate:  Well, if my boss isn't a deranged psychopath who thinks 80 hours is a short workweek when I'm on salary, then we might get along all right.

Interviewer:  Well, he is an asshole, but he's always cutting out early himself, so I think you'll be all right just working 40.  Back to your resume, I see you were at Slavedrivers, Inc. before the last position.  Why'd you leave there?

Candidate:  That was a startup, and it was being run by morons, so they blew through their money, and I was worried I wasn't going to get paid.

Interviewer:  Yeah, I worked at a place like that once.  The CEO wouldn't fix the flaws in the product.  Instead, he spent his time obsessing over the company's public image on LinkedIn and Glassdoor.  When I quit, he even tried to hack into my Glassdoor account.  I find optics usually take care of themselves if the company is run well and the products work.  He apparently thought approaching things from the rear end was a better approach.  Anyway, what about the job before that?  I've heard of this company, Dagotron.  Why'd you leave there?

Candidate:  They wanted me to get the vaccine, and I refused.  I quit before I was fired.  My buddy didn't want to get it either, but he didn't want to find a new job, so he got it, and then the next year he got a stroke.  Now he's on disability.  Pretty happy with my decision.  A few months ago, they asked me to come back because they were having staffing problems, but I told them to go fuck themselves.

Interviewer:  I got the vaccine, and I still got sick.  I have to tell you I admire your courage, but this is a position that requires a yesman and not a freethinker, so I don't think this is going to be a good fit for you.  We wish you luck in your future endeavors.

Candidate:  That's fine.  I was only using this interview as batting practice for the jobs I do want, so I wouldn't have taken the job anyway even if you had offered it.

Interviewer:  Well, I don't appreciate you wasting my time.

Candidate:  Consider it payback for all the time you make candidates waste just to get a shitty job.

Interviewer:  You can find your own way out.  I'm calling security.

Candidate:  I'm calling you a fuckhead.

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